Dear High Achieving Parents: It's Ok To have Fun Again

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zoom out to meet your goals - refocus on the big picture when you get stuck. hand holding Camera lens focusing on background. Move with Courage Ohio Career coach and Resume Writer

Dear High Achieving Parents:

It’s Ok to Have Fun Again

The kids want you to!

Two hikers walking together side by side on their journey through life, just like coaching with Move with Courage Coaching

Written by Coach Tina

Last Updated: 07/11/2024

Me 4 years ago:

It’s 4:00 PM on a Saturday, all the kids are occupied and nothing needs to be cooked yet.

This is a free moment- what should I do? (look around for obvious mom jobs, 20 mins.)

I probably should clean my closet. Or do the laundry. Or maybe I should think about what I should cook later. Maybe I should check my email and see if someone at work needs something. (check email, then feeling bad for doing work on the weekend, 30 mins.)

What can I do that would be the most useful? Productive? (worrying for 1 hr.)

I check my phone- what are the other adults doing? Everyone else is busy at their kid’s events all weekend.. Should I put the kids in more sports? classes? (comparison worrying, 30 mins.)

I probably should work out.. I found this new punishing workout that will probably do the trick. (researching workout for 30 mins, then talking self out of this 30 mins)

I hear laughter from the other room.. What’s that? They’re having FUN?!

How is that an option??

Maybe I deserve FUN too… but what in the world is fun anymore?

(Jealous, confused, also angry I forgot what is fun, 30 mins.)

Guess it’s time to start dinner.

20 year old me, 22 years earlier, same type of day:

It’s 10:00 AM on a Saturday, and it’s beautiful and sunny outside!

I go sit in the sun with a book and some sweet tea as long as I want. (Probably no sunscreen let’s be honest, 2 hrs.)

When I get bored of that, I call my friend on the landline -looks like we are going to go thrifting and walk to lunch. (Adventure, fun, movement, 3 hrs.)

Afterwards I go home and play with my cat. (Peace and connection, 30 mins)

Then I listen to music, dance, and rearrange my closet, trying on outfits. (Fun, inspiration, some vanity, 1 hr.)

Then I decide I want to learn to play a song I heard, so I get out my guitar and play along with the song, over and over, until I know it by heart. (Music as meditation, 2 hr.)

How did I create a day that was so full of different activities and inputs?

I followed my interests, and when I got bored, I drifted to something in contrast to what I’d just done- naturally.

I followed what I wanted to do! Notice the word “worry” didn’t make even a brief appearance.

When was the last time you had a day like this, to follow what you wanted to do when?

To let your interest and your mood decide what direction you chose?

Everyone deserves this type of day.

If not at least once every month, what about for a few hours each week?

A life without fun- How did we get here?

Along with growing up comes Career, Family, and Home obligations, and a long list of what we should be doing on a weekly basis, for each of those three spheres.

Our 20’s -

First we learn through our jobs how to be efficient and make every moment count, so we can focus our energies on producing at the highest levels. We build our pride and our sense of identity around how well we work, and what we contribute to our workplaces.

Then this efficiency can spill over into our home world — as our daytime habits and intentions are rewarded and give us that feeling of success and completion — why not seek the same level at home? Especially as we are just beginning to learn the basics of living on our own.

Our 30’s-50’s -

When our roles expand and we become parents and/or caregivers, the efficiency from our career comes with it. Making every moment count has a new meaning and urgency behind it . It’s almost like we put a deadline on our interactions with others- both because we are pressed for time, and because we feel pressed to make every moment count. (Who’s counting? Measuring? Watching? Deciding what is quality? Time well spent?)

Add to it the pressure of being a “good parent,” and making sure others see you being a good parent- and there’s your weekend gone!

60’s-Beyond-

I’m not here yet, but from what people in this bracket have told me, retirement brings this question to the front even harder. As our working years finish, it’s time to reconnect with our identity, what brings us joy, what is interesting, even stronger than before. Without work to distract us, the issue is hard to ignore.

Why fun matters

We are our habits, so when we spend so much time out of our day at work, we can become our work self at home. This isn’t completely bad, but

one thing is missing from the work self -

The understanding that enjoying our life isn’t a luxury or a waste of time.

The understanding that sometimes we need to do things for joy or to follow our interest- even if it doesn’t look productive.

If we allow ourselves time to follow our interests, our sense of adventure and joy, we are actually expressing our true selves- separate from our work or family roles. Leaning into what brings you joy is how you lean into your true self- and whatever that self needs- separate from your work and family self.

This could look like something very frivolous and not useful like:

learning about wombats for an hour,
having your very own tea party,
attempting to draw your own feet, or
just sitting and watching the leaves blowing in the trees.

“But I don’t have time for this when I am so busy.”

“Spending time learning about wombats won’t clean my house ,” I hear you say. And you’re right, it really won’t.

But spending time on something just because it brings you joy or is interesting puts you back into yourself, where you belong.

We are pulled out of ourselves meeting the demands of others; and it’s hard to be rooted in your authentic self. This weakens us.

When you are solid in yourself and creating enjoyment in your life is a priority- even just for 20 minutes a day- you will feel the weight from your shoulders lift.

You will have space for you to just be you and this space will give you strength. Strength to be strong in yourself and your direction. Strength to avoid your bad habits and choose what’s best for you, and

Strength to be so much for so many others.

How to get there - Fun as an Essential

I got there, with many experiments, and guilt management along the way (“Shouldn’t I be ____?”). Once I realized that letting myself enjoy and follow my interests made me a better person, partner, parent, and business owner- that was all the motivation I needed!

Here’s some starter points:

Allow yourself unscheduled time- Start with an hour, then a half day, then go as long as you are able

During the week leading up to your day, keep a notebook of what you want to do during that time, so when the time comes you won’t have to waste more time deciding (Worrying about deciding how to have fun, 1 hr.)

Nothing on this list should have the word “should” only “want” “like” and “can’t wait to”

Schedule and communicate the time- with an alarm reminder for all who need to know.

Stick to your scheduled time no matter what. This is your moment to reconnect to yourself, and it’s very important to you and all who you are in contact with (as they will also benefit from a happy, connected You)

Notice how you feel before and after, and how you are talking to yourself, and how you assume others will view you. Then check in afterwards for accuracy.

Reconsider new intentions for previous hobbies. Instead of “losing weight” for biking it could be “Go have an adventure” or instead of “learn how to improve myself” for reading it could be “read a book that takes me to another world.”

Try to remember what you used to do when you allowed yourself the space to enjoy — look through old journals or calendars for reminders of how you spent your time.

For parents- Study your friends who don’t have kids in their home for examples — typically they have a better grasp on this and less guilt. Go out with them and enjoy the conversations that exclude developmental milestones and grade cards.

Closing Encouragement & Beyond

Soon reminding yourself that you’re spending time reconnecting to yourself so that you can be better for others will fade.

Instead you will just remember that it’s important to be solid in yourself for you.

You won’t have to justify spending time creating enjoyment in your life, it will just be your habit of enjoying your life.

Just by doing this you will give others in your circle permission to do so as well, and make it easier for all to find their enjoyment and peace in this world.

About:

Coach Tina can be found outside watching the leaves move through the trees (enjoying nature and brain space, 45 minutes). She enjoys zooming out to look at earth and our life in it, and zooming in to look at heart led character and leadership. Maybe this is because she began life as a Type B big picture thinker, learned to be a Type A details thinker to perform at a high level, and is gradually reclaiming her Type B roots, which feels the most natural. Her favorite people are those that are kind, thoughtful, achievers who lead themselves and others with courage and heart. These are the leaders the world needs!