How to Choose yourself, when you're used to putting everyone else first

<script async src="https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtag/js?id=G-R6EMMTN2S5"></script> <script> window.dataLayer = window.dataLayer || []; function gtag(){dataLayer.push(arguments);} gtag('js', new Date()); gtag('config', 'G-R6EMMTN2S5'); </script>

Home

About

Services

Work With Me

<Title> How to Choose Yourself

When you‘re used to putting everyone else first

Written by Coach Tina

Last Updated: 1/9/2024

When was the last time you got to do something that you wanted? If someone asked you right now, "What do you want to do in this moment to make yourself happy?," would you have an answer? For most of us, we could readily answer with a long list of tasks we should do, or have to do, and the words decide, chose, and want would be out of our reach.

We all carry many responsibilities and obligations as adults. Being depended upon at home and at work creates tasks and mental clutter that makes it difficult to stay solid in our selves. Our time and brain space becomes allocated to many aspects outside of our personal scope, and choosing ourselves feels selfish or greedy. When we don't make time for managing our needs and emotions, we feel empty, unhappy, stressed, stuck, and stretched outside of our center.

If you are experiencing this, here are four steps to identifying and moving towards what you want in life:

<H1>1. Understand you can choose

You create your to do list and you create your priorities. Certain chores and tasks are ongoing, and will also be there next week. Some need your attention now. All tasks are not created equal, and most things are optional. When you create your to do list remember to prioritize important tasks, and be mindful of giving all tasks equal importance- that can lead to overwhelm.

Ask yourself, "When I say yes to one task, what will I say no to?" This question from the book, 7 Habits of Highly Successful People will help keep your workload manageable and not overbooked. For those of you who struggle saying no, this question gives you the framework and permission to set boundaries on your time.

When you think I "should" it implies that you are forced or obligated. But in reality it is your choice. You choose what you want to do, so try saying "I want to choose___." Reminding yourself that you have some choice helps combat feeling trapped and overwhelmed. It also places a positive intention on the action you want to choose.

<H2> Points to Ponder:

What are you currently choosing? How do these choices impact your well being?
What do you want to choose? How will you communicate it? How will you replace "should" with "want" or "choose"?

<H1>2. Learn what you need

Being closely involved with others and providing for others sometimes makes it difficult to focus on what you need. As adults, we are responsible for managing our thoughts, feelings, needs, and actions. Sometimes we are so busy we sacrifice or don't realize that we have an unmet need. This imbalance can lead to unhealthy habits, destructive thought cycles, or negative interactions.

Look to your patterns. Do you react differently when you are overstimulated/tired, lacking thinking/reflection/restful time, not getting positive connection/attention/affection, not being validated/mentally or physically challenged, lacking fun/laughter/joy/variety, lacking choice/control/autonomy/independence?

These are clues to what you need, and a message to spend some time managing, healing, or nurturing this part of yourself.

<H2> Points to Ponder:

Is there something you miss doing? What need did that fulfill? Is there a way you can do the same activity or another activity to meet that need?
How do your needs connect to what you find important in life? How would it feel to consider what you think is important in life?

<H1>3. Envision yourself choosing it

After reflecting on what you need, you should have an idea of what you are lacking. What will you do to meet this need? Begin your action with the resources and time you have now, rather than waiting for the perfect conditions. For example-if you are lacking adventure, instead of planning an elaborate and expensive snowboarding trip for the future, what about driving somewhere you've never been and explore the town/terrain without a GPS or map?

Engage the power of your subconscious. What we see and believe about ourselves is how we live. You know what your life looks like now, and how you fit all of your workload in. But what does it look like to choose what you want and need? How will you feel as you are doing it? What intention will you carry as you begin your action? What will it bring to your life? How will you speak about this to others? What support do you need? What message will you send with this action?

<H1>4. Make a plan and take action

Once you've envisioned what you want and how you will feel doing it, began to consider the scope of your action. How long do you want this to continue? Do you have any other goals that this might lead to? Does this lead to a new phase of your life?

Examine what hurdles or limiting beliefs might get in your way. If every time you get out your bicycle you think "Oh I'm too tired, I don't have the energy, work was too stressful." Try replacing that thought with "Once I start riding, I will feel energized and the fresh air will clear my head. I always feel better afterwards. I am choosing this for myself."

Once you've understood what you want to do, you've made a plan and acknowledged the potential pitfalls, then you are ready to commit to act. There are always thoughts and circumstances that can talk you out of the action and change you want. You will be challenged to keep life the same and maintain the routine, even if it's unhealthy. This is where your commitment to action will push you forward - past the thinking and directly into action. That is where you will create the change you want.

Just do the thing- even when you're not 100%, and you don't do it 100%.

Remember, you decide how you use your time, and what you want to do to manage your thoughts, feelings, needs, and actions. The more you understand your power to choose and responsibility to care for yourself, the more solid in your body, mind and soul you will become!

<H1>Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Q: How do I choose myself when I have no time?

Choosing yourself doesn’t have to be monumental, it can be as small as a moment of enjoyment or peace, or a daily habit of doing one thing just for you. If you look at your weekly screen usage on your phone, you will see you actually have a lot more time than you realize.

Q: What if other people need me?

If you are in a caregiving role, this will be a very real concern, and it won’t feel worth leaving them so you could choose you. But that’s the implied belief- that you aren’t worth the time, and their time and needs are more valuable than your own. In most cases, you aren’t missed for the brief short of time, the house doesn’t implode, and you come back a refreshed caregiver. In cases with higher demands, you might need to secure alternate care as you go. Either way, the choosing helps you feel empowered, aligned, and authentic, which will bring renewed vitality.

Q: Isn’t it selfish to choose myself?

Society conditions some of us to feel that way, but the truth is no one can truly know what you need and how to nurture you better than you. Sometimes it’s difficult to get to those answers, but even starting on that journey helps you to learn about what you want. If you can, pair up with someone who chooses themselves with ease and have a conversation about their process and mindset.

Q: I know I need to choose myself more, but I have no idea what to do.

This is an exciting invitation to remember and experiment with those activities and hobbies that bring you energy, strength, and bring you back to the core of yourself! Try something new each week, with the goal of experimenting and stretching your current habits only. If you need some support knowing yourself more deeply, consider my hybrid short course Know Yourself, or working with me directly.